DEAR ABBY: My best friend of 40 years, “Savannah”, has been in a bad marriage for 20 of them. Her husband has cheated on her several times. He can’t hold down a job and he emotionally abuses her and her daughter. Now that she’s finally tired, he refuses to leave the house.

Despite how bad his behavior has been, Savannah does nothing to move the divorce forward. She continues to pay for his trips and includes him in family gatherings in what she calls a “sacrifice,” made at her daughter’s request.

It’s been incredibly hard to be supportive, to hear about how damaging this has been, to support her when she says she’s coming out, and then to hear that for one reason or another he’s staying. When I challenge her and suggest she make excuses not to go ahead with the divorce, she gets defensive and shuts down the conversation.

In the last two years she has started calling me twice a day and gets frustrated if I don’t answer. I have asked her to stop telling stories about her husband’s behavior – which usually last a week or two. I don’t know how to be a good friend without taking on the stress of her dire situation and feeling generally overwhelmed by her outreach. What can I do to help her, but also prevent our friendship from imploding? — TIRED FRIEND IN MICHIGAN

BEST TIRED FRIEND: What you may need to do is accept that one of the reasons Savannah’s dysfunctional marriage has lasted as long as it has is because she wants it to. She doesn’t need to move forward because she has you to fall back on when the pressure gets too much.

It may be time to stop focusing on what you can do to help Savannah and concentrate on what you need to do to help yourself. If that means stepping back and letting her find solutions to her problems without your help, don’t feel guilty for doing it.

Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Contact Dear Abby at www.DearAbby.com or PO Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.